I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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