I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
