Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
