Even the bartender felt bad for me
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
