we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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