Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Fuck appropriateness.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
