I'm jealous of your bromance
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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