If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
