I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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