Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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