even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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