Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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