I'm gonna have a badass scar
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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