Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
