Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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