i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
