Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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