so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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