just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You are a genius and a whore.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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