Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
