the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
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