he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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