i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
