your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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