In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
