Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Randomize
