We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
