There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
