I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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