Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
