i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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