Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My hand turned me down
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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