when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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