I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
