Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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