My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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