i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
