Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
