Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
