He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
