I just cut my nipple shaving
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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