Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
