apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
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