I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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