ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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