I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
