just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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