you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
