I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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