just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
even my farts smell like vagina
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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