the condom got lost in my hair
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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