im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
