6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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