You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
