mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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