I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
