i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
