Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize