I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
